The Quest of the Mary Sue
by Mandy5
Summary: The difficulty of the quest is maginified when an evil greater then anything else joins the quest. A MarySue. Now they must complete the quest amoungst confusion, annoyance, and possible insanity. MarySue bashing! ONE NEW CHAPTER ADDED
1. You're From Where?

**The Quest of the Mary-Sue**

A/N: This is my first Mary-sue (well, mock Mary-sue), so don't be too hard on me if I put something that does not seem to fit the Mary-Sue character.

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**_Chapter 1: You're from Where?_**

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It was beautiful, wonderful, glorious, lovely day. The sun shown overhead, beaming down on the frolicking hobbits of the shire. The air was neither hot nor humid. It was just right. Hobbit children ran this way and that, content in their mindless games that seemed to consist of nothing more then running around in circles.

Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee sat on the front lawn of Bag End. Frodo was currently trying to get high on a frighteningly large sack of pipe weed (don't try this at home, kiddies!). Sam was too busy planting a flower to notice.

Little did they know that something evil, more evil then Sauron himself, was on its way. They had no idea that a day like this was ideal for the arrival of one of the world's most terrible creatures.

So when a cliché flash of light lit up the sky and something fell from it, the residents of the Shire did not run away screaming. Poor, poor hobbits.

"What do you suppose that was, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked, standing up and inadvertently crushing the flower he had just planted. The poor, poor little flower.

"Don't know. Maybe lightning." The older hobbit replied, hoping that Sam would leave it at that. He was going for a record, and then Pippin would owe him two baskets of mushrooms, if he could remember all of this by tomorrow.

"I don't think so, Mr. Frodo." Sam persisted. Frodo sighed and allowed Sam to pull him off the ground and led in the direction the thing had fallen.

They arrived a few minutes later, and were surprised at what they saw. Sam had been expecting something not alive, preferably something edible. Yet the creature sitting on the ground was alive, and probably only marginally edible.

It was a girl, but not just any ordinary hobbit lass. The girl sat on a soft patch of grass, next to a beautiful flowering tree. The sunlight shown on her as she sat surrounded by flowers, birds, squirrels, bunnies, and leaping deer. Frodo felt the urge to gag at the author's unnecessarily cheesy description. But she wasn't done yet.

Her eyes were of a deep violet, and her hair was raven black, flowing down her back and around her face like water. She wore a long flowing robe of the deepest red. Her hair caught the sunlight as she looked up and she seemed to glow. She was the most beautiful girl anyone could ask for. A songbird flew down and perched on her shoulder, and then began to sing sweetly. Frodo did gag, his stomach upset by the cheesyness of it all.

"Greetings, Frodo Baggins. Greetings, Samwise Gamgee." She said, and her voice was as smooth as silk.

"How do you know our names?" Sam, for all that he was Frodo's best friend, was oblivious to the fact that said friend was currently puking loudly in the bushes.

"I know many things, Samwise." She said, giving him a dazzling smile.

"I'm sure you do." Frodo said, wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeve. "Okay, you've seen what fell out of the sky, so let's go." Frodo hoped the stranger wouldn't follow. There was something about her. Half of him wanted to find a pointy stick and poke her brains out with it. The other half wanted to write mushy, badly rhyming, and romantic poems, serenade her, and propose marriage all at the same time. Yes, there was defiantly something odd about her. After a moment's thought, his sensible side won over and he went in search of a pointy stick.

"But, Mr. Frodo, we have to make sure she's alright!" Sam protested, his good manners refusing to desert him. He looked at his friend with the Puppy Dog Eyes of Doom (©).

"She looks fine to me." Frodo said, trying not to be moved to pity.

Despite his complaints, Frodo soon found himself back at Bag End, sitting with the strange girl, while Sam poured tea. How in the heck had this happened? I mean, seriously, we were just standing outside somewhere and now were inside a house. And he never did find that pointy stick.

"So where are you from?" He asked, not really caring.

"I am from a far away world, that no one in Middle Earth has heard of. I was sent here for a very important reason, which I will not discuss yet. You have quite an adventure ahead of you, Frodo Baggins." She said in an important voice.

"Fascinating." Frodo said, turning slightly green. Just when he thought he would throw up again, he heard the front door open. Finally!

"Frodo, my lad!" Bilbo said, smiling, but it disappeared when he saw the strange, but extremely beautiful girl with hair the color of midnight, skin as white as snow, and eyes the color of emeralds. "Haven't seen any big people wandering around the Shire in years. Where did you find this one?" He asked.

"She fell out of the sky, and Sam insisted we bring her back here." Frodo replied. He silently cursed the author for all the needless descriptions.

"Well, does she need a place to stay for the night?" Bilbo asked, fingering something in his pocket momentarily. The beautiful vision looked sternly at him.

"You will have to let it go soon, Bilbo Baggins. You know that it cannot be yours forever. He will find it soon." She said dramatically. The room seemed to darken as she spoke.

Bilbo raised an eyebrow at her. "Right. Whatever you say. So, do you need a place to stay for the night?"

"Yes. That would be most appreciated." She said, and the lighting returned to normal.

"That's happened before! Do you suppose she knows Mr. Gandalf?" Sam asked Frodo, as Bilbo led their guest to one of the spare rooms.

"Maybe Gandalf would turn her into something more tolerable. Like a fly, or a dragon." Frodo mumbled under his breath. At least when the wizard got here, he might know a way to send her back to wherever she came from.

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	2. Gandalf Tells the Pure Horrifying Truth

**_Chapter 2: Gandalf Tells the Pure Horrifying Truth_**

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The strange girl continued to stay with them on Bilbo's invitation. Frodo, who had at first disliked her, no longer felt that way about her. Now he loathed her with a firey passion. He was sick of the dramatic, long winded, mysterious speeches. It was endlessly amusing to Bilbo, but he would be glad when they could get rid of her.

They learned that her name was Linwe, which she also (proudly) pointed out meant "poem." She then embarked upon a long lecture on how the name was given to her by a group of admirers who said that she was as "pretty as a poem", whatever that was supposed to mean.

The days seemed to drag on, but soon the day that Gandalf was supposed to show up arrived. Frodo, who had developed a twitch that kicked in at the mer thought of Linwe, ran from the house in rage and annoyance and headed for the woods to bang his head on a tree. He hoped it would distract him from the pain.

The sounds of a cart and the fall of horse's hooves pulled Frodo from his self-abuse. He waited on a rise next to the dirt road. When the old wizard passed under him, singing a song that was only put in the movie to make it seem like they were following the book more, the hobbit pounced.

Gandalf was surprised when the young hobbit landed in his lap and grabbed the collar of his gray robe. "YOU'RE LATE!" He screamed, shaking his old friend mercilessly.

When his head had stopped ringing, Gandalf looked at what seemed to be a very stressed out hobbit. "Something bothering you, Frodo?" He asked, pulling his hands away from his collar and sitting him next to him on the wagon.

"It's this GIRL!" Frodo ranted.

"Now, Frodo. This sort of thing is completely natural for a hobbit your age." The old wizard began, beginning to switch into lecture mode.

"No, that's not what I mean!" And for the rest of the ride home, he explained the current situation. Gandalf didn't seem at all happy about it either.

"Frodo, is this strange girl…well…perfect?" He asked finally, fearing the answer.

"Yes! But in a TERRIBLE EVIL WAY!" He exclaimed.

"This is what I feared. Frodo, we are plagued with a creature who's name is so vile that I will not speak it to your young ears. But we have another name to call them." The old wizard paused dramatically "Mary-Sues." Thunder rumbled and lightening clashed.

"That's odd. There isn't a cloud in the sky." Frodo said, looking up at said sky.

"That is the power of the Mary-Sue." Gandalf explained. Thunder rumbled and lightning clashed, again.

"Anyway, how do we rid ourselves of this menace?" Frodo asked pleadingly.

"I'm afraid we can't do anything. They can only come when something big is about to happen. If they manage to get here, they only leave when it's all over with. Hopefully, our luck will hold out and it won't involve us." Gandalf finished.

"I doubt it." The hobbit sighed and told him about the dramatic things she had said to them.

"This doesn't bode well." He admitted. The wizard did not look forward to meeting her.

"Well, I'm not going back to Bag End until I absolutely have to. I'm glad you're back." With that, Frodo jumped off the cart. "After all, better you then me!"

Gandalf arrived at Bag End, not looking forward to what was sure to be an annoying and exasperating meeting. He hesitantly stepped off of his cart, opened the gate, and walked to the door.

You could just turn away, Gandalf. You could turn around and go back to Gondor, or somewhere. You don't have to go through this a third time…

But inwardly, the old wizard knew that he would never be able to live with himself if he left the shire to this evil being's whims. He sighed. Then he knocked.

"No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well wishers, distant relations, or beautiful women!" Came a familiar voice from within.

"And what about extremely powerful wizards who can shatter your door in a split second?" Oops. He was showing his bad mood. Shouldn't do that in front of Bilbo. A curly head pocked out the green door.

"Gandalf?" He opened the door wider and threw himself at his old friend, then tried to throttle him. "GANDALF! YOU'RE LATE!" Gandalf sighed. Was everyone going to greet him like this from now on? Of course, it was no different then the way Elrond had greeted him when a Mary-Sue had plagued HIM. Poor elf, he had been traumatized for life by the experience.

"I know the stress you are going through Bilbo. I too have been bothered by a Mary-Sue." (thunder rumbled and lightning crashed) "Twice before in fact." Bilbo looked at him, confused. "The girl. I'll explain later."

Going into the sitting room, the two discovered Linwe sitting by an open window. The sun shown about her, making her, once again, seem to glow. Outside the window, a large variety of wildlife leapt and danced.

"Greetings, Mithrandir Gandalf." She greeted in a voice he hated with a passion. It was hard work to keep his hands at his sides and not wrapped around her neck.

"I only need to be called one name." He informed her curtly.

"Beware, wizard. The one you call wise may have taken a path without wisdom. The path of evil." She said, the room, yes that's right once again, darkening. A shadow passed over her face.

"Yes, yes. Of course. We're all very impressed. Now, be gone vile creature, and trouble these peaceful people no more!" He said, trying to sound firm.

"Saruman-" She began, but was cut off.

"What on Middle-earth would you know about Saruman? Nothing." He said hastily.

"I know more they you think. For you see, he is my brother." Thunder rumbled ominously in the cloudless sky.

"That isn't possible. The Istari do not have siblings!" If the circumstances at the moment were not so stressful, he would have laughed. He supposed that if he couldn't get rid of her, he could find much amusement by asking her of her "numerous" relations. She would probably have the gall to say she was related to Manwe!

"I am also Manwe's daughter, wizard. You should watch what you say." She said gravely. Gandalf, personally, couldn't have said that about himself with laughing (or getting struck by lightening, depending on what mood the Lord of Air was in).

"First of all, that isn't possible either. The Valar are unable to have children. Second, stop calling me wizard. Just Gandalf. Not Mithrandir Gandalf either, just Gandalf." He said. Bilbo was watching the whole conversation from the side with interest.

"Very well, Mithrandir." She said. Gandalf reached for something to throw at her, but finding nothing, he sighed.

"Just go back to wherever you came from. I've dealt with as many of you as I'd ever like to again." He briefly considered just killing her. A rumble of thunder interrupted his thoughts. Oh, great! Manwe was laughing! He was actually ENJOYING this! That meant that he couldn't kill her! Depriving the Lord of Air of his source of amusement could have devastating effects. He groaned.

"I am here for a very important reason. I must stay and fulfill my destiny." She said.

"And what destiny would that be?"

That question was a mistake. She immediately launched into a long and dramatic speech that somehow involved the history of Middle-earth, the making of the rings of power, Sauron, six thousand dragons, and Valinor, and yet still made sense. Gandalf really had not clue how these things related to each other. He decided to keep his mouth shut. But when she was finally done, and the sky was growing dark (on it's own, this time), Bilbo opened his.

"If you're from a far away land, how do you know all of that?" He asked, completely missing Gandalf's furious head shaking. Too late.

It was well after dark when she finally finished the next speech.

"Now, I would like to go to bed. I am very weary." The annoyance said and exited the room. Her dress billowed out behind her as she walked. Gandalf wished she would trip on it.

"Don't ask questions! She will answer all of them in a similar manner!" The wizard scolded the old hobbit.

"Oh, yeah. And you have to get rid of the One Ring." He added as an afterthought.

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	3. The Author Skips Parts and Shamelessly C...

**_Chapter 3: The Author Skips Parts and Shamelessly Changes the Plot_**

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(A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)It was several days later, after Bilbo's completely left out birthday party that our story picks up. (A/N: I couldn't think of anything funny to do during the Birthday party) 

Bilbo had finally had enough of Linwe, and had run away to Rivendell the night of his party, while she was still down with the other hobbits. Gandalf was so mad at him that he vowed to take her to Rivendell and get his revenge. What right did HE have to get away when the one who had dealt with two others just like her couldn't?

"And that is why you must bring the ring of power to Rivendell. Only there can it's fate be decided by the wise." Gandalf walked in just as she was concluding a speech that had started this morning. It was now the early afternoon.

She instantly fascinated Merry and Pippin, who had come to visit today. They had listened to her speeches, and since no one else besides Sam had the patience to listen, it worked out well.

"What about your family? Who are they?" Pippin asked. Now THAT might take a while to tell. Gandalf was in a considerably better mood today, and he decided he could use a good laugh. Might as well listen.

"I grew up in Lindon. I was the favorite of my eldest brother, Feanor, so I learned from him his craft and skill." She began.

"I thought you said you were from a place far away that none of us had ever heard of. And I thought you also said Saruman was your brother. Besides, I know for a fact that Finwe never had a daughter named Linwe, and that Feanor didn't live long enough to live in Lindon." Gandalf put in.

"I was transported far away when it was learned that my cousin, Morgoth, wished to capture me and use my power. I dwelt in that far off land for many years before I learned that I needed to come back in order to defeat Sauron." She said, never losing a trace of her dignity.

"I doubt it. And you still can't be related to the Valar." But Gandalf was close to cracking up. "And I thought you said you were Manwe's daughter earlier."

"The enemy is moving, Mithrandir. We must leave and bring the Ring to Rivendell before the black riders find us." She said suddenly, standing.

"You didn't answer my question." He reminded her.

"No time! Evil draws near!" She practically wailed.

"How convenient." The wizard mumbled, but grudgingly agreed that they did need to be on their way to Rivendell. It wouldn't do to have Bilbo die of old age before they got there, or his plan for revenge would be useless.

After taking a ridiculously short time to pack, they were on their way. To Frodo's horror and dismay, Gandalf informed them that he was leaving them.

"I must see the head of my order, he is both wise, powerful, and he also knows how to get rid of Mary-Sue…er…I mean…evil rings of power." Gandalf said, but the look on his face told Frodo that he was just looking for an excuse to away from the girl. That meant they were left with her. Alone. For an extended period of time. The hobbit groaned.

"Can't _I_ go see the head of your order instead, Gandalf?" He pleaded, but the wizard turned his horse and sped off. "Wait!" Frodo yelled "Take me with you!" But it was too late.

"Let us begin our journey." Linwe said, taking the lead without even consulting her companions.

It became clear that they would have to give her some distance. The first part of the journey was spent with Merry and Pippin, who had decided to join them for no real reason at all, constantly tripping on her dress as it billowed out behind her. Although it wasn't really necessary to walk a HUNDRED feet behind her, it suited Frodo just fine.

They walked through the shire, hobbits stopping to gawk at Linwe, many having never seen a big person before. She glowed in the sun, her hair shining, and the light of it caused Frodo to go temporarily blind.

It was the evening of their first day of travel when they finally stopped. Of course, the annoyance didn't seem at all tired, but no one was really surprised.

"So tell us-" Pippin began, but Frodo, seeing another long speech coming on, knocked the younger hobbit on the back of the head with a heavy branch.

"Mr. Frodo? Why did you knock Pippin out?" Sam asked, but he didn't seem at all displeased.

"Because I felt like it. Now, Miss Perfect, why don't you cook our dinner?" Frodo replied unhappily. It was going to be a long epic.

Linwe did cook. Within the hour, she had made sirloin steaks, corn on the cob, rice and gravy, baked potatoes, and triple chocolate fudge cake. At least she was good for that.

"Good. Now go collect firewood." Frodo said, ignoring Sam as he wondered out loud how she was able to make their dinner when they had only brought bread, cheese, and some dried fruit. For the first time, she lost her composure enough to glare at him.

"I cooked the meal. It would be only fair for you to collect the firewood, Frodo Baggins." Then she turned and was gone in a flourish of cloth and sparkly glitter. Where had that come from?

"Where is she going now?" Pippin asked, only pausing for a moment from stuffing his face.

"I think I heard her say something about 'deep meditation.'" Sam said helpfully.

"Which means she will probably have a lot to say tomorrow." The older hobbit sighed. "Let's get some sleep."

So they did, completely forgetting about the firewood.

None of the hobbits expected what happened in the morning.

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A/N: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes! I'm just going to leave it like that! THE END! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! gets dragged off in a pretty white coat with long sleeves and is put in a nice room with lots of pillows on the walls Not really. But for now I must leave you hanging scene fades out as she cackles madly 


	4. How Did We Get Here or Bugging the Fut

_**Chapter 4: How did we get here! **or **Bugging the future king**_

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Dear Readers,

This September I will be going to college. More specifically, a Christian college. Don't let this scare you, I'm not planning on discontinuing my stories. Here's the thing: I'm going to have a computer, but the only Internet aloud is the one provided by the college itself. That means, there will be a filter. I'm not sure if I will be able to log onto FF.N with those filters.

As you can imagine, many stories on this site are not acceptable reading material for a Christian. Since they have much better things to do then read some 10,000 stories individually and block those that are not appropriate, I'm 95 sure that this entire site will be filtered out. That means that I will have to do what writing I can on the word processor, and then wait until a school break to post them at home. I'm really sorry if this happens, but I respect the college's wishes.

Also realize that, besides the fact that I'm just a really slow writer, (--) my studies come first (but most of you probably knew that already). Again, I'm sorry. Thanks to all those who have supported me and my slow-moving stories, and I hope that I will be able to update more regularly then I have been.

-Mandy

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It was early morning when the hobbits got up. Not surprisingly, Linwe had been up for quite some time. She had packed all of their things, except for the blankets they slept on.

"When did we get to Bree?" Frodo asked with a gasp. There if front of him was the town of Bree, filled with shifty looking men with strange, shifty looking pets. The hobbit soon realized he had made another mistake.

"It was a most treacherous journey." Linwe began, and the other three woke up to listen to her. This latest speech was the longest. It literally lasted until nightfall. It involved the beautiful wizard/Valar/elf/whatever finding that a band of fire breathing orcs had been tracking them. She went on to tell how she had bravely fought them off with both hands tied behind her back and without a weapon, only to discover that an entire army of demonic dragons had not been far behind. So she had picked up the sleeping hobbits and carried them to Bree all by herself (still with both hands tied). Then she had fought the dragons and won. All of this was accomplished while managing to not wake the hobbit, and also keeping her clothes and hair clean and in perfect order.

"And so the dragons were defeated to the last, and we have made it safely to Bree." She finished. Her posture had not changed throughout the entire day. The Hobbits, however, had taken it in turns to listen for an hour while the other three slept.

"Umm… sure. Now, lets go inside." Pippin suggested hastily, when it looked as if she was going to say something else.

"I agree. Let us tarry here no longer." She agreed, and got up with one fluid motion.

They made their way to the gate, which was currently closed. Linwe knocked on it. The noise that her knuckles made sounded suspiciously like bells.

"Who's there? Wait a minute… I didn't know we had a bell…" A gruff voice said from inside. One of the tiny doors opened, revealing the old gatekeeper's face.

"Hobbits? Four Hobbits?" He caught sight of Linwe. "Who's she?"

"We are hobbits of the shire, and we wish to stay at the inn." Then seeing the annoyance about to open her mouth with a look in her perfect ocean blue eyes that said she was about to launch into a long speech, he added hastily, "Don't ask about her. It's bad luck, and then we'll be standing here until tomorrow night."

The gatekeeper shrugged and let them in.

As they made their way towards the Prancing Pony, something occurred to Pippin. "Weren't your eyes purple back at the shire?"

"Silly hobbit. They have always been green." Linwe said with a perfect chuckled coming from her perfect throat.

"But they were blue at the gate." Sam said, looking up at her.

"And now they're pink." Merry said. "How do you change the color?"

"We must move more quickly to the inn! The enemy has spies abroad. We will be hard put to defeat one in the dark!" Linwe said suddenly, quickening her pace (I thought it already was night?).

"Not this time! Answer the question!" Frodo was becoming increasingly more irritated by her evasions. But the elf/Valar/Maiar ignored him in her haste.

After running though a series of twisting back alleys filled with thieves and murderers that Linwe easily defeated with her bear hands (the thieves and murderers were, of course, armed to the teeth), they made it to the inn. They ran through the door, the hobbits gasping for breath, while Linwe glowed dramatically. Everyone in the inn had stopped what they were doing to stare. The annoying girl turned to glare accusingly at the four of them.

"Fools! You are being far too conspicuous! If you continue to draw attention to yourselves like that, the enemy will be upon us in no time!" She hissed. Frodo was speechless for a moment, rage bubbling inside him.

"Us? You dirty liar! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO CAME IN HERE GLOWING LIKE A LAMP!" Frodo said, trying to launch himself at her. The other three hobbits tackled him.

"Mr. Frodo! Don't hurt her!" Sam cried.

"Yeah, she's our ticket to Rivendell!" Pippin said.

"If you kill her, we won't have anyone to rescue us from sudden doom!" Merry reminded him. Still Frodo fought, wanting to wrap his hands around that perfect throat.

"And no more gourmet meals on the road!" Pippin put in. That stopped him.

"Fine! I won't kill her until we get to Rivendell!" The wrathful hobbit promised grudgingly.

When they had all regained what composure a hobbit could have, they were not surprised to find out that everything had been arranged. Linwe had gotten rooms, paid for all their meals (and helped the cook make them), and given every single person in the room a cover story as to why they were all acting so strange (which everyone had believed, of course).

"If you are quite through making a spectacle of yourself, Frodo Baggins, we can remove to our rooms." She said, glaring at Frodo once again. The other hobbits quickly reminded him of his promise.

The rooms were large, luxurious sweets with 24-hour room service and Jacuzzis.

"How on earth did you get the money for these?" Sam asked, astonished

"I have a fortune hidden away, from the time when I was a smith under Aule." She said, as if this explained everything.

"Oh, really? Was this before or after your cousin Morgoth tried to kidnap you?" Frodo said sarcastically. Since he was the only one who didn't believe she was some kind of mini-God, Linwe made no secret that she didn't like him.

"It was after I served as Varda's handmaid." She replied, her eyes turning an angry red. Frodo blinked, then burst out laughing.

"I wish Gandalf was here to listen to that!" Frodo laughed, his sides beginning to hurt.

Suddenly, the room turned into a world of darkness. Where the beautiful girl had once been standing, now stood a monster. It was indescribably horrifying. Evil poured from it, and its eyes glowed a terrible red.

"I will not suffer you to insult me any longer!" It said, voice dripping with evil.

Just as suddenly, the room was back to normal. Wide eyed, Frodo's eyes darted around. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were completely oblivious. Linwe looked as she had before, glaring at him with those perfect eyes.

"Umm…guys? Did you see the monster?" Frodo asked later on, when Linwe was out 'scouting for the forces of evil.'

"Monster? Mr. Frodo, you seem tired. Maybe you should rest." Sam suggested nervously.

"I wasn't hallucinating! I think I see what Gandalf means when he says that Mary-Sues are the most evil beings in existence." Frodo said, shuddering.

"Gandalf didn't say THAT." Sam answered.

"That's what he meant, I'm sure. Well, we might as well go down to the bar and drink ourselves stupid. Our journey will be so much easier that way." Frodo suggested, and no one hesitated to agree. Even if a hangover would in fact make the journey harder, ignorance is sometimes temporary bliss.

So they went to the bar and drank a few (hundred) pints and half-pints of ale. Sam, who actually became more observant with more drink, pointed to a ruggedly handsome man sitting in the corner. He had a dark cloak on with the hood hiding his features. He smoked a pipe.

"What is that guy smoking that's making green smoke?" Sam questioned, obviously wanting some of it himself. "Oh, and he's been staring at you."

_Baggins…_ Frodo looked up for the source of the voice. No one seemed to be talking to him. _Baggins… baaaaggins… BAGGINS! _Still he was confused. Where was that coming from?

Hello! In here! EVIL RING OF POWER THAT WANTS TO DESTROY THE WORLD! You know, the reason you left the Shire in the first place? Woo hoo! IT'S ME YOU NUMBSKULL! IN YOUR POCKET!

Startled, Frodo withdrew the ring from his shirt pocket. He had completely forgotten about it. Since when did inanimate objects talk?

_You FORGOT! What kind of moronic dufus forgets that he has the fate of Middle-Earth sitting in his pocket! And another thing, where are the ringwreiths? Did the author forget to put them in, seeing as they are one of the most important evil characters in this story? What a dope!_

At that moment, a bolt of lightening opened the door to the inn and struck the ring.

_Ouch…_

"You should know better then to sass the author." Frodo said, shaking his head. And he was absolutely right. NEVER sass the author. Ever.

"Mr. Frodo? Who are you talking too?" Sam asked, confused (again).

"The ring…ing in my ears." Frodo saved himself, then realized that that sounded worst.

"You're talking to the ringing in your ears?" The other hobbit looked concerned, like he wanted to reach over and make sure that his master didn't have a fever or a huge bump on his head.

"No, I'm not."

"But you just said-"

"No, I didn't."

"Oh, okay." Sam said cheerfully. He continued drinking.

"Oh wait! What were you saying about that man in the corner?" Frodo asked, suddenly. "Aside from the fact that you wanted whatever he was smoking."

"He's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived." The younger hobbit seemed unconcerned.

"Sure I know about a ring of power! The One Ring. It's over there in the pocket of Frodo Baggins. The right hand pocket, mind you, not the left. It was created by Sauron the Deceiver in the First Age, and he lost it in the Battle of the Last Alliance of Men and Elves. Gollum from there, took it into the Misty Mountains…" It was Pippin, who had had far too much ale.

Frodo, Sam, and Merry were all too busy bashing their heads on the table in despair to stop him right away.

"PIPPIN YOU MINDLESS, DIMWITTED MORON!" Frodo lost his temper, and in doing so called everyone's' attention to himself. Pippin burst into tears and ran off. Everyone glared at him, and some even threw their mugs at him. At least everyone seemed to have forgotten what Pippin had said.

Not everyone, however, was that stupid. The hobbits were not concerned, though, since the only ones who seemed to have noticed were a few black-cloaked, red eyed men who carried around signs that read "We're spies from Mordor." They also saw no reason to become concerned with the giant, disembodied, flaming eyeball that now hovered at the end of the table and glared at them (not that it could really do much else). It wasn't as if these beings were going to prove any real threat to them.

Just then, the cloaked man jumped out of his corner dramatically. However, since it was a very crowded room, he couldn't really stalk up to Frodo dramatically like he wanted to. After a few 'Excuse me's, and 'Pardon me's he made it to the table built especially for vertically challenged people. The four hobbits had forgotten about the incident (Yes, Pippin forgot and came back) and were once again sitting and drinking.

"You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill!" The man grabbed Frodo by the collar of his shirt. This made everyone stop what they were doing (once again) and stare.

"I draw far too much attention to myself?" The hobbit asked with the Raised Eyebrow of Doom © (used with express, written permission from Elrond).

"Urm… Yes." The strange man said nervously. "…far too much…" Everyone in the room continued to stare.

"Hey, is that the ice cream carriage I hear outside?" He asked. The result was that everyone in the bar squealed and ran outside into the dark.

"Now, as I was-" He turned back to the table, but the hobbits were gone.

"I want an orange push pop!" Came Frodo's voice from outside. When the hobbits had returned, eating ice cream, they found the not-so-mysterious man sitting at their table.

"Quite done?" He asked huffily. Frodo nodded, then found himself being dragged across the room to the stairs. For some reason, the other three hobbits thought it would be better to do something about it later.

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A/N: dodging large blocks falling from the sky THE WRITTERS BLOCKS ARE ATTACKING! somehow survives Well, I know you waited awhile, but this is a loooooooong chapter. At least it is for me. Better get cracking on the next one! Should be easier, since we're getting into the more interesting parts of the story! 


	5. Never Argue With the Author!

_**Chapter 5: Never Argue with the Author!**_

* * *

Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Aragorn all sat in the hobbits' room. The author had once again skipped parts. They had worked out their differences and were now calmly and maturely planning how they were going to get to Rivendell using teamwork and all that uninteresting stuff. 

All of the sudden, Linwe burst into the room. She was glowing an angry red. With a murderous look in her perfect black eyes, she grabbed Aragorn and threw him out the door as if he weighed nothing. A confused "omph!" was heard as she slammed the door shut.

"How dare you meet a major character- I mean, HOW DARE YOU INVITE A STRANGER IN WITHOUT FIRST CONSALTING ME!" She raged, fire roaring up behind her (without burning anything).

"But he wasn't-" Sam tried to calm her, cowering.

"WHAT IF HE HAD BEEN DANGEROUS! I'M THE HERO IN THIS EPIC! YOU CAN'T JUST DO THINGS WITHOUT ME!" Her face was turning a perfectly lovely shade of red.

"Who says we can't?" Frodo yelled back, making sure to stay clear of the flames.

"THE AUTHOR! THAT'S WHO!"

No, I did not!

"YES, YOU DID!"

No, I didn't!

"YES, YOU DID!"

NO, I DIDN'T!

"YES, YOU DID!"

NO, I DIDN'T!

"Yes, you did! Hey! What's with the small font! STOP THAT!" She cried futilely.

Suddenly, the Mary-Sue was threatened with a REALLY BAD BREAKOUT if she didn't stop arguing with me!

"What! Okay, I'm sorry! I'll stop arguing!" Linwe gathered her (shattered) dignity around her and looked at the hobbits. They were cowering in the corner, looking at her oddly.

"What? She started it!" Suddenly, she noticed a very big zit right in the middle of her face. "I'm sorry! I started it! I started it! Just make it go away!" The zit vanished.

Meanwhile, Aragorn was still out in the hall, confused.

"It was very unwise of you to allow that man in here without first consulting me. But we will let him in and see what he has to say." Linwe said calmly, back in character after that disgraceful display of all her many faults and-

"ALRIGHT! THEY GET IT!"

"But we already-" Sam began to say, but Frodo quickly clapped his hand over his mouth.

Linwe opened the door and allowed the confused ranger inside. He looked at the hobbits, still cowering in the corner, and decided that he really didn't want to know.

"We require a guide, Aragorn son of Arathorn. We are on our way to Rivendell, on a mission of great importance." She said, sweeping her perfect black hair (at least that stayed the same color) aside. Of course, her hair would never get in her way, she was just doing in for effect.

"I know that. I was just saying that-" He tried to say.

"We are not able to tell you what it is we carry, for the spies of the enemy are numerous and often in places where we least expect to find them." She interrupted him, appearing tired, as though she carried a great burden (and not Frodo).

"They already told-" The ranger tried again, but to no avail.

"No, we cannot say." She held her hand up for silence.

"What's all this 'we' stuff?" Frodo asked in annoyance. Did she think she spoke for all of them, or that she was a queen or something? Maybe she was skitzo.

"I am the leader of this company. I speak for us all." Linwe said, glaring at Frodo. Before he could argue, she stood abruptly. "The black riders will attack us if we remain in these rooms. We must sleep elsewhere."

Merry and Pippin immediately protested, on account of the mini-bar, and Sam and Frodo just looked confused.

"The what?" Sam asked.

"The black riders. They were once men, great kings of men, then Sauron the deceiver gave to them nine rings of power. Blinded by there greed, they took them without question, one by one falling into darkness. They are the Nazgul, Ringwraiths, neither living nor dead." The room had darkened and ominous music began to play in the background. The others tried to speak at the same time.

"Hey! Those were my lines-"

"But the mini-bar-"

"Where is that music coming from-"

"Will you just shut-"

Linwe held up her hand for quiet. She turned and, packing everything in the time it took for the others to blink, headed out the door.

"You may stay in my room." Aragorn offered. Linwe looked at him sternly.

"You would do well to remember that you have a great love who awaits you at Rivendell, Aragorn son of Arathorn." At this, the ranger turned bright red.

"Not like that! I mean you can stay in my room so that the black riders don't find us!" Aragorn was getting seriously annoyed. Who does she think she is, assuming something like that? Linwe left the room.

"By the way, what was all that yelling about when I was in the hall?" Aragorn asked, as an afterthought.

"She was arguing with the author." Frodo said, rolling his eyes with exasperation.

"She argued with the author? The great and powerful author? How can she expect to win against a great being who controls our very world?" Aragorn gasped. He was, of course, absolutely right. Even a Mary-Sue cannot hope to win against my almighty power (almighty in this story, at least). If you notice that Aragorn is getting a whole lot of cool stuff out of this story, you know why.

* * *

A/N: Wow. That was probably the weirdest and most pointless chapter if this entire story, but hey, I may out-do myself before this story is done. Please review! I have takenthe idea of an author called 'Hobbit-eyes' and will do some 'call-outs.' I'll try to do it after every chapter, if I can find the time. LOOK BELOW FOR CALL OUTS!

* * *

WhiteLadyOfTroy: Yes, wouldn't we all like to be Feanor's sister. And don't worry about Frodo, the Mary-Sue will suffer!

Sdoinky: KILL THE MARY-SUE! The problem is, they just come back dramatically!

WhiteLadyOfTroy (again): I KNOW I'M LATE! sob

Someone who can't stand Mary-Sues: LOL! Well, I do at least TRY with the spelling and grammer. And I can stand to read Mary-Sues, I just can't take them seriously!


	6. WHAT HAPPENED!

_**Chapter 6: WHAT HAPPENED!**_

The company (and Linwë), exhausted from the day's walk (except for Linwë), stopped and set up camp at Weathertop. Aragorn, who was just passing out swords to the hobbits, paused and blinked in confusion.

"Weren't we _just_ at the Prancing Pony? Like, two seconds ago?" He said, glancing at their surroundings.

"Yeah, we were…" Frodo looked up at the Mary-Sue, who was scowling in bad temper. However, her face only looked more beautiful. The lines of disapproval in her forehead accentuating- Frodo suddenly barfed.

"Don't look at me! It was that-" She seemed to come to herself. Her face went back to its usual mysterious expression. "No, Frodo Baggins, this was the work of a plot device."

"What's a plot device?" Pippin asked.

"A tool that the author uses when she's to lazy- er, I mean, when she wishes to progress the story further." She quickly corrected herself at the warning rumble of thunder.

Aragorn shrugged and reached into his "bag-o-pointy-objects" (provided by Pointy Objects Inc.) for a sword for Linwë. He pulled out a long sword that began to glow in his hands. It was studded with jewels, and runes on the scabbard seemed to come to life.

The light coming from the sword started to solidify into the figure of a man. He seemed young and yet old (?). Long white hair stretched down his back, and he was clothed in fine white robes. Instead of eyes, a light shown out where they should have been. His entire form glowed and he hovered above the ground. He opened his mouth and said these words.

"The chosen one shall bear this weapon through fire and death. The chosen one shall hail from a far land with a long heritage. The chosen one will have long black hair, a perfect voice, and pale skin. The chosen one shall have eyes that change colors. She will have a name that begins with 'L' and ends with 'Ë'. The middle letters of her name shall be as such: 'inw.' The meaning of her name will be 'poem' and she will travel with three hobbits and one man. The name of the hobbits shall be-"

"OKAY! WE GET IT!" Frodo screamed unexpectedly. The glowing man sniffed, insulted.

"Well soooooooorrrrrrry!" With that he vanished angrily. The sword stopped glowing. Aragorn stared at it.

"Why don't I remember putting a sword like that in my bag?" He wondered aloud. Meanwhile, Pippin looked mystified.

"Who do you think the chosen one is?" He asked, awed. At first, all they could do was stare at the youngest hobbit in disbelief. Then they all walked to the nearest wall and began to beat their heads against it.

Skip to after the concussions

Linwë approached the sword confidently. It had started to glow again, and became brighter and brighter the closer she got. As the presence of the chosen one drew ever nearer to the legendary sword, a song seemed to fill the air. It was a song of great power and ancient heroes. It sang of-

"What's with the slow motion? Is she going to get to the sword or not?" Frodo interrupted the narration. Sorry, got carried away.

Minutes passed, and Linwë finally reached the sword. Just as her hand touched the hilt, a heart stopping, ear splitting shriek like a drunk banshee (?) shattered the silence of the night.

Alarmed, Aragorn started shooing the hobbits toward the stairs that led to the very top of the watchtower ruins.

"Quickly! To the top! The author has finally put the ringwraiths into the story!" The ranger cried, failing to realize that by going up, they were only ensuring that they had no where to run.

Linwë followed, glowing dramatically once again. When they reached the top, the man and the hobbits formed a tight circle, facing outward. Linwë stood a little farther to the side.

"Something is troubling me." She said, looking extremely thoughtful, as though trying to look into the depths of some great mystery. She was, after all, a genius.

"You mean the creatures of unspeakable evil bent on killing us that are getting closer and closer by the second?" Frodo asked, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, they're troubling me too." At that moment, the ringwraiths reached the top of the tower and began to approach Aragorn and the hobbits.

"No, not that. It is something more troubling." She said, not even noticing.

"What could possibly be more troubling at the moment!" Aragorn shouted in exasperation before plunging into battle. Linwë just stood there, still thinking.

"Now, is this following the books or the movies? I mean, sure there was no Tom Bombadil, but she could have just left that part out because she was lazy. A lot of the dialog seems to follow the movie, but that might be just because it's easier to remember right off the top of your head." She didn't seem to be talking to anyone in particular. Which was good, because no one could hear her over the screams on the wraiths.

"A little help would be appreciated!" Frodo yelled.

"Aragorn wasn't here at first during the movie. And another thing, I thought we didn't learn his real name until Rivendell! My being here couldn't have changed that much-" Her musing were interrupted by the sound of Frodo screaming.

"What!" She said in annoyance, turning around to find that the Witch King of Angmar had just stabbed the ringbearer.

"Oh!" She swore, drawing her legendary sword and rushing to the rescue.

The battle that followed will long be remembered in song. The fell creatures fought with all the dark power at the their command. As the forces of absolute good clashed with the forces of absolute evil, the foundations of the world shook with the powerful power. The battle lasted for countless hours, lightning slashing the sky as the two forces-

"The battle only lasted five minutes." Frodo grumbled. "And what makes her the 'forces of absolute good' anyway? I thought Mary-Sues were more evil then Sauron himself?"

Frodo was not happy at the moment. His shoulder was in excruciating pain, he had just advertised the fact that he had the ring to the ringwraiths, he was turning into a wraith himself, but worst of all, Linwë was still here! Those good for nothing ringwraiths hadn't killed her!

_This is ridiculous! This story is supposed to be about ME! It's called the Fellowship of the RING! Not the Fellowship of the Annoying Attention-grabbing Girl! THE RING!_

Frodo paused, wondering what that was. Since when did he have a voice in his head?

_SINCE BREE YOU STUPID HALF-WIT! THAT'S IT! I QUITE! FORGET THE DARK LORD, FORGET CONQUERING THE WORLD, FORGET THIS WHOLE STORY! I'M JUST GOING TO DESTROY MYSELF!_

With that, the ring spontaneously combusted.

PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE!

A/N: Okay, this story is just getting weird. I have no idea where I came up with this last part, but I want to get my readers' take on it. I know that I'm just supposed to be writing for myself, but I do want to take my readers into consideration. LEAVE A REVIEW about this last chapter. I will not be offended if you don't like it, but leave something that tells me what you don't like. No flames. If enough people don't like it, I'll think of something else and rewrite the end of this chapter. Of course, if you have ANY ideas on how to make this funnier now or in later chapters, I will be glad to hear them.


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